Karl Lagerfeld calls them “digital masturbation”. Kim Kardashian calls them ‘the best thing since reality television’. Love ‘em or loathe ‘em, you must admit that the selfie has become a bona fide cultural phenomena. In fact, the defining moment of this year’s Oscar’s was Ellen’s star studded group selfie, which quickly became the most retweeted picture of all time.
Yet like almost everything, there is a right and wrong way to take selfies. You know the right way when you see it, often on some it girl’s instagram and accompanied by fawning praise. You’ve probably identified the wrong type of selfie from some middle school relation’s heavily edited profile pic, likely accompanied by a sad metal lyric caption intended to convey the crushing depths of any given 12 year old. I’ll break down 5 standard selfies so you can identify a. what kind of selfie you’re about to take and b. if it’s worth posting.
Cara Delevingne, Jennifer Lawrence, Miley Cyrus are super stars of ‘the uglie’: a selfie in which you make a goofy/ugly face, intended to convey whimsy and apathy towards looking pretty.
The best people to take uglies are young and naturally lovely, so that even when screwing up their faces and flaunting that double chin, they are still attractive. Uglies are not suitable for any person over 30 unless that person is known to be funny.
Not to be confused with ‘duck face’, the poutie is a more soulful sorta selfie. Instead of smiling, you allow your lips to part delicately while making bedroom eyes at your eyephone.
A successful poutie will result in you looking like a Victoria’s Secret model. An unsuccessful poutie will result in duck face, and mockery.
Before taking a poutie, load those lips up with a rich hue and lots of gloss- your pout should be as full as possible.
Do not, under any circumstances, attach an emotional, depressing, or falsely altruistic (“thinking of all the hungry children) to your poutie. Instead, attach a chipper or even joking message to balance out the poutie’s sense of sulk. Be wary of over editing the poutie, and use a light filter rather than dark.
Sinceries convey “I like what I look like and I am generally happy to be alive”. Sinceries are commonly paired with a humble brag caption like “Can’t wait to see my baby tonight” or “work hard play hard”.
Don’t try to undercut your sincerie with snark or feigned indifference. You’re taking a picture of you smiling wide, and you want to look pretty: own it.
Stealthies are the selfies taken to look like not selfies. In normal selfies, it’s clear that you are taking a picture of yourself. In Stealthies, you maneuver the camera so it looks like someone else took a picture of you just randomly hanging out, looking cute, as you do.
I’ve noticed women tend to take Stealthies a. while laying in bed or b. while working. Stealthies are what people who think they’re too cool for selfies take. If you’re going to take a stealthie, make it appear candid. Fake laugh and snap away until reaching the desired stealthie effect.
Never admit to taking a fabulous stealthie yourself; that defeats the purpose.
Formerly known as ‘The Myspace’, the fullie is a full body selfie and notoriously difficult. The easiest and most common way to take a fullie is via mirror. Fullies allow you to show off your outfit rather than just your face, and are a very fashionista friendly type of fullie.
Make sure the area in front of your mirror is super clean before taking a fullie, and use a mirror outside of the bathroom.
Caption fullies with a. a full rundown of what you’re wearing and b. an envy inducing hint to what fabulous place you’ll be wearing this outfit to.