Basic Bitches are having a moment.
From College Humor to New York Magazine’s The Cut, Basic Bitches are being defined and skewered as the ultimate in personal mediocrity.
Los Angeles, a city filled with wanna-bes and sycophants, is home to a distinct strain of Basic Bitch. She’s a model/actress (mattress) who churns Kale juice and really wants you to like her Facebook fan page.
Here are 10 Signs You’re An LA Basic Bitch. If you have five or more, I regret to inform you that you are one Basic LA Bitch.
Mattresses are self-declared model/actresses, and make up the majority of LA Basic Bitches.
A truly basic mattress has never worked on a movie, campaign, or show that you’ve heard of. Mattresses have been told from a very young age that their beauty is rare, valuable, and worthy of payment.
She’s got a LOT of cute headshots and an agent in Van Nuys, yet somehow never gets called back.
Mattresses travel in packs, never pay for drinks, and secretly despise each other. Mattresses have terrible boyfriends and make terrible waitresses.
A Mattress’s BFFs include other Mattresses, club promoters, and wealthy older men with Malibu beach houses and private jets (Note: Matresses love selfie-ing from aforementioned jets without ever acknowledging the one funding the experience).
Monday-Thursday especially, a Mattress can be found nibbling appetizers at a table of 27 girls and 1 or 2 guys at STK, Boa, Beso and the like…being escorted straight to the VIP table at Hooray Henry’s, Bootsy Bellows, AV or Greystone right after. Mattresses are always on set but never on film.
LA Basic Bitches exclusively wear low cut body con dresses and staggeringly high ‘red bottoms’.
2. Your Never Ending Narration of Healthy Lifestyle
Juicing, hiking, and consumption of obscure natural foods are the LA Basic Bitch’s favorite topic. What’s so interesting about juicing, you stupidly ask an LA Basic Bitch? EVERYTHING.
Squeezing. Blending. Liquefying vegetables (such as kale or beets) that are rarely consumed in liquid form. A truly Basic LA Bitch likes her smoothies green, slightly grainy, and from Earth Bar.
There’s a reason people started buying juice rather than squeezing juice from fruit, and that reason is squeezing juice from fruit is time-consuming and dull.
But LA Basic Bitches have lots of free time and are pathologically dull.
Every LA dweller has hiked Runyon Canyon, but only the Basic Bitches will breathlessly Instagram their every visit.
As the LA Basic Bitch approaches middle age, her health obsession will inevitably morph into Scientology or at the very least Crossfit. As any Basic LA Bitch will tell you, she has always been deeply spiritual.
Basic Bitches in LA can name and distinguish Bikram, Ashtanga, Vinyasa, Jivamukti, and Ivananda.
She knows all the latest work out trends and rattles off celebs who endorse each type. Try to restrain your enthusiasm when she monologues about the latest pilates/yoga/bar/collagen fad.
3. Your Instagram Consists of Sunsets (while in traffic), Selfies (while in traffic), and Inspirational Quotes
(likely posted in traffic)
LA Basic Bitches share an almost primitive fascination with the Sun’s ascent and descent.
Had she been born a couple of millennia earlier, an LA Basic Bitch would have doubtless paid tribute to some primeval Sun God. Now, in lieu of human sacrifice, the LA Basic Bitch shows her solar appreciation via Instagram.
‘Likes’ are life-giving manna to a LA Basic Bitch, and she falls back on her most prized possession when gathering sustenance: her looks.
LA Basic Bitches love driving selfies because a. they are bored b/c traffic and b. sunglasses and natural lighting cleverly disguise all flaws. If she’s stuck on the 405 or Fountain is backed up, you can bet the Basic LA Bitch will cope with a sulky selfie #latraffic.
Don’t even talk about the 101; she literally can’t deal.
BTW, not one for reading actual books, the LA Basic Bitch adores posting inspirational quotes (from books she has not read) over scenic backdrops. She imagines posting words she didn’t say over pictures she didn’t take adds culture to her online presence.
4. You Wear Yoga Pants To Brunch, Lunch, and Dinner
We know you weren’t at the gym. We see your DryBar blow out.
Basic Beverly Hills Bitches (wealthy middle aged versions of LA Basic Bitches) can be seen lunching on Rodeo in lululemon yoga pants and a Birkin. LA Basic Bitches aspire to be Beverly Hills Basic Bitches, but very few acquire rich enough spouses.
Basic Bitches who wear yoga pants with a Birkin tend to have affairs with their yogalates instructor and dissolve Valium in their Ketel One.
LA Basic Bitches copy the look by wearing Victoria’s Secret Pink yoga pants with Marc by Marc Jacobs cross body bags.
5. You’re At 4/4 And Getting Nervous
How will you cope with being basic?! You can’t even. Literally. You might need help.
6. You Create A Personal Hashtag, Catchphrase, or Fan Page
Referring to yourself in the third person is a chronic symptom of the hopelessly basic.
LA Basic Bitches are constantly thinking of new, grammatically offensive ways to brand themselves. They very much want to be paid for being themselves.
LA Basic Bitches are so random and awkward but in a totally funny, relatable way, which is why she uses #sorelatable when tagging her eponymous vlog.
She’s never heard the expression ‘Jack of all trades, master of none’ but if she did, she’d just wonder “Who’s jack?”.
The LA Basic Bitch KNOWS she is destined for stardom, just like Audrey Hepburn. Or was it Katharine Hepburn? She always gets them confused.
Basic LA Bitches fail to see the difference between ‘followers’ and ‘fans’. In the mind of an LA Basic Bitch, everyone she knows is a fan waiting to happen. An LA Basic Bitch will make a Facebook Fanpage for herself and will literally invite you to fan her.
Don’t- it drives her nuts.
7. You’re A Fashionista Who Doesn’t Know Fashion
The LA Basic Bitch LOVES fashion.
She LIVES for fashion. She really, really wants to be IN fashion. However, when the time comes for an LA Basic Bitch to name her favorite designer, she inevitably chirps ‘CHANEL’. Her favorite magazine is ‘Vogue’ but she couldn’t say the last time she read an issue.
Like a shark that can never stop swimming, the LA Basic Bitch cannot stop thinking and talking about herself for very long. In depth knowledge of the fashion industry requires focus and an interest in others that an LA Basic Bitch simply does not possess.
The most obscure label she’s aware of is probably Alexander Wang.
The Basic LA Bitch is unphased by her own ignorance, and is deeply convinced that walking through Barneys is equivalent to a degree from Parsons.
Basic LA Bitches have trouble differentiating between ‘store’ and ‘brand’.
She’s bored by fashion shows, because fashion shows require prolonged focus on people who are not you. Even if she tries super-duper hard, the mind of an LA Basic Bitch will inevitably drift towards herself.
A Mattress to the core, the LA Basic Bitch sees models- not fabric, cut, or fit.
Models remind her of herself.
The LA Basic Bitch will then begin whispering comments like “I could so do this” or “this reminds me of that one show I walked in,” relieved to refocus attention on herself.
8. You’re a Label Whore
LA Basic Bitches die for designer, but only designers widely recognized by the public: Louis Louis, Gucci Gucci, Fendi Fendi, Prada- basic bitches wear only that shit and just want you to be aware.
Or maybe take her picture for a STREETSTYLE blog.
Label Whores spend lots of time prancing about in Louis and Louboutin, fervently hoping someone documents their STREETSTYLE. LA Basic Bitches love the concept of STREETSTYLE because it uses real, attractive, designer-clad women (such as themselves) as models.
Label whores are distinguished by both matching and unmatching brand monograms and labels (as long as all have a flagship store on Rodeo).
They wear Dior sunglasses with rhinestones on the side and earrings studded with Chanel’s signature double C.
LA Basic Bitches absolutely used to model (thanks for asking) and would model professionally if she was just a couple (5) inches taller.
9. You Post Passive Aggressive Stati/Tweets Punctuated By ‘….’ or ‘:)’
When is an emoticon not an emoticon, but a thinly veiled attack?
Often, for the LA Basic Bitch. Basic Bitches in general rely heavily on emojis to express their complex feelings without having to use adjectives. Passive aggressive use of social media is a corner-stone of Basic Bitches, who are above the haters and need you, and everyone they know, to know.
LA Basic Bitches are more prone to …. or passive aggression expression because their vocabulary rests at a 7th grade level.
They’re also under intense competition with other LA Basic Bitches for unmarried men above 5’7 and limited paying Mattress gigs.
Basic Bitches never confront an upsetting person or problem head on, instead using rapid internet validation to bolster their righteous indignation.
Basic Bitches are terrified of being perceived as ‘mean’ or ‘a bitch’, so they use and … to cutesy up declarative statements.
The LA Basic Bitch craves attention and giddily uses any perceived slight to get it. If you ask, she’s just expressing herself.
Don’t ask. She’ll express herself.
Examples: “Some girls confuse hot with hot mess ;)”
“Lol like I care what my ex does…”
10. You Have Teen Taste
LA, as a city, is obsessed with youth- but LA Basic Bitches take youthful obsession to the next level.
Utterly convinced that ‘You’re only as old as you act’, an LA Basic Bitch has the musical taste of a 17 year old. Any adult woman who identifies as a ‘Belieber’ or ‘One Directioner’ is automatically a Basic Bitch.
Basic LA Bitches are still hoping to be cast as a sassy High School student in the next Disney sensation. She’s read the entire Twilight series, and is forever looking for a controlling Vampire beau to call her very own.
He’ll end up being a drug dealer.
Katy Perry, Nicki Minaj, Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez, Miley Cyrus, and Zac Efron are an LA Basic Bitch’s fav. celebrities. She’ll tell you she’s partied with them, but she hasn’t. They were just at the same club.
So there you have it my darlings. There are definitely more signs to the LA Basic Bitch but unfortunately, I must bid you adieu and run to my new kundalini cardio yoga class…I hear Demi Moore has been spotted there on more than one occasion.
But OBVI, I will leave you with one final thought…
DISCLAIMER: Don’t stress too hard if any of these pertain to you…we can all be a bit basic sometimes…
If you’re feeling kind of basic today… take 20% off some non-basic bitch outfits at stylehaus.com/store with promo code BASIC20
XX MARINA MONROE