Thanksgiving: you won’t get pregnant, but you will experience some similar side effects.
Thanksgiving: America’s least sensual dining experience, closely followed by the bathroom-adjacent table at Arbys.
Thanksgiving: it hurts so good.
Thanksgiving is all about the 2 Gs. No, not gratitude and giving (this isn’t a heartwarming Pillsbury butter roll/crescent/blob commercial), I’m talking about good ol’ fashioned gluttony and guilt. Just like our mammas used to make. You know how some people adore announcing their super special date of conception? They’ll proudly declare “I’m a Valentine’s Day baby” or “I’m a New Year’s baby!” or “My parents mated Arbor day beneath a lush canopy of Sequoia trees and 9 months later I burst forth from my mother’s womb!”. Well, I bet Thanksgiving is the one holiday when conception rates plummet instead of skyrocket. Human babies can’t compete in joy or deliciousness to the food baby I annually incubate after inhaling a turkey leg or three.
Thanksgiving presents me with a unique set of style challenges. One outfit must accommodate:
Mild-severe drunkenness (of myself and others)
The festive spirit
After careful contemplation and years of mashed potato stained cardigans, I’ve finally life-hacked Thanksgiving apparel.
10 Do’s and Don’ts of Thanksgiving Dress
1. Do: Dark Colors
Maybe you’re some super well-behaved modern Emily Post type who never spills a drink or stains a top with excessive amounts of ketchup. I am not. Dark colors disguise the sullies of gluttony from first morsel of mashed potato to last scrap of pumpkin pie. Much ado has been made about the slimming qualities of black, but plenty of jewel tone deep hues share black’s flattering qualities. Burgundy, aubergine, rust, and forest green are my picks for flattering Fall shades that perfectly balance sophistication and festivity.
2. Don’t: High Waisted Anything
Do you hate yourself? No? Well you’re about to if you so much as think about wearing a high-waisted pant or skirt for Thanksgiving. You will be miserable and probably throw up. Tis the Season to sport low waisted looks and leave your hour-glass aspirations to the Spring and Summer collections.
3. Do: Chandelier Earrings
Your ears are one place that food (probably) won’t get stuck on. Big earrings will stand out in pics and balance out your ever-expanding mid-section. Manrepeller famously declared layering of bracelets as “an arm party”. I say that this Season, the party has moved from wrist to lobe. Run, don’t walk, to your closest purveyor of fine costume jewelry (ok Neimans) and start stacking bedazzled ear cuffs and delightfully dangling statement earrings.
4. Don’t: Jumpsuit
Fact: jumpsuits make going to the bathroom feel like a particularly strenuous yoga session. This coming from a girl who loves jumpsuits. Jumpsuits will trick you because they look (and mostly are) easy to wear and accessorize, but you’re not going to want to deal with getting in and out of a jumpsuit during a day off binge eating/drinking. Also, if you’re spending time with family, they’ll be needing to use the bathroom too, and won’t take kindly to you hogging the spot. Ew. Just please trust me and don’t wear a jumpsuit.
5. Do: Towering Stilettos
My favorite part of dressing for any good dinner party is selecting footwear. An occasion like Thanksgiving, which not only allows but strongly encourages sitting on your ass all day, is the perfect time to strap those ankle-bending Loubs. You can deal with walking in 6 inch stilettos if the only walking you plan to do all day is from the kitchen to the table.
6. Don’t: Leather or Silk
Instead of wearing leather and silk on Thanksgiving, why not simply douse your money in kerosene and set it on fire? Leather and silk are the hereditary enemy of comfort food and dark alcohol. They are expensive, hard to clean, and contain no stretch whatsoever. Leather is my favorite fabric BUT I cannot endorse wearing it on this one day. Silk is sexy, but Thanksgiving is not sexy, so pack it in and invest in a neoprene: no wrinkles, mad stretch, and lots of fun pattern options.
7. Do: Maxi Dress
Cali girls love maxi dresses like no other. Our inner imaginary boho-goddess positively sings at the sight of a floor length day dress. Now that Summer has faded into Fall, Thanksgiving presents us with one last golden opportunity to wear a sleeveless maxi dress without looking a little too out of touch with our surroundings.
8. Don’t: Crop Tops
Thanksgiving is a one stop shop for your brand new (hopefully), temporary (hopefully) FUPA. FUPA stands for… Well if you don’t know already, you don’t want to know. Ok if you really want to know, which you don’t, go ahead and google FUPA then come back to finish reading this list. Whatever you do, don’t image search FUPA. There are some things one can never forget.
9. Do: Leggings/tunic combo
Stretch stretch stretch
Hide Hide Hide
That’s a little song I just made up about the perks of pairing leggings and a long tunic into one ultra comfortable ensemble. If you’re shaking your head in disbelief right now because the first thing that springs to mind when I say “Leggings and tunic” is your go-to college hangover outfit, please stop. Like you, this look has come a long way since Psych 101. I’m paparticularlybsessed with legging/jean hybrids that combine the stretch of leggings with the look of denim for a fabulously non-restrictive bottom. My favorites are made by Superfine and contain a genius thigh panel for maximum extension, plus an ultra accommodating low waist.
10. Don’t: Bangles
This CLANG year, I’m CLANG thankful CLANG CLANG for CLANG CLANG CLANK CLANK CLANG my family. Now read that sentence aloud. That’s a little preview of Thanksgiving dinner whilst wearing an ill-informed selection of arm candy. Your more serious, less stylish relatives will be scandalized by the crass clatter emanating from your deceptively delicate wrist. And who could blame them? Thanksgiving is a rare occasion for the old or simply sanctimonious to publically humble brag. Don’t ruin this for them. Also, bangles tend to rattle right off your arm and onto the table/floor/stuffing, which makes you look klutzy and more drunk than you actually are. Loud noises + dropping stuff = everyone whispering “lush” behind your back. Leave the arm party at home.